Getting Better, Not Bitter

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I’ve been a bit of a hypocrite. How could I have thought that the best response to my sister’s reaction to my suicide attempt, was to shut her out? How can I ask for her forgiveness, if I’m unwilling to forgive her? Continue reading

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I Don’t Want To Be Happy

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I don’t want to be happy, I want to be content. Happiness can be hard to find, but contentment is more attainable, in my opinion. Happiness can be taken away from you. Contentment has more longevity. Happiness is euphoric and can turn the most level headed people into grinning, gushing buffoons. Contentment has a quiet wisdom about it. Granted, there’s no high that happiness brings, but that wears off eventually. Contentment doesn’t arse about with your brain chemistry. In fact, I don’t think the brain is actually involved in the making of contentment. It seems to come from within the ribcage area. I like the sound of that. I’ll have some emotion from my torso, for a change please.  And a coffee. And some cake. Ta very much.
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Hello Darkness, My Old Friend: Part Four

 

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I messaged my sister and asked her if she got home OK. A few hours later, she replied. After some small talk, she asked me if I hated her. What? ! Where did that come from? “Of course I don’t hate you.” I typed. “I’m not trying to guilt trip you, but you broke my heart. I want my sister back.” She replied. Hmm. Which sister? The one who wanted to end her own life? The sister who hid her all consuming pain behind a cheery voice, whenever she called? The sister who’d died inside and was waiting for her body to catch up? The sister she hadn’t seen for two years (prior to the hospital visit), despite only living an hour and half away? The sister she made excuses to, whenever the subject of meeting up arose? The sister she actually didn’t really know? Instead of saying all of this, I just promised to get better. I meant what I said. Continue reading

Catching Up

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I have an apology to make. I’ve neglected my blog over the past two months. I hope you’re all well and have had a great Summer. You’ll probably be pleased to hear that I’m in a slightly better place, than I was when I wrote my last post. Things have been hectic, but productive; here at Silent D And Me headquarters. We spent the Summer visiting museums, sitting in the sunshine and generally spending quality time as a family. Oh, and we had our garden re-landscaped. It isn’t quite finished yet, but when it is; it will be our new sanctuary.

I haven’t totally neglected my writing, over the Summer. I’ve been working on one of my many other writing projects, and I’m currently trying to commit myself to a realistic deadline for completion. I’m thinking either January or February. I’ve also been doing a lot of reading, recently. I finished two books, and I’m halfway through reading the third. One of the books was a mental health book, which I will be writing a review for on here soon.

On the Family From Hell front, they’ve had a very eventful Summer. News filtered through to us, that one of my uncles was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Just like my uncle Alex, he passed away very shortly after the diagnosis. Although we would have liked to have been there to pay our respects, we didn’t attend his funeral. The sad thing is, in the act of trying to pay our respects; the whole thing would’ve become disrespectful. The family wouldn’t have kept their distance, or allowed us a quiet, dignified presence. As it turned out, one particular family member misbehaved at the funeral; without us having to be there. It was a strange feeling, to be honest. The faint strands of connection to my uncle’s passing were there, but we were also disconnected from it. My Dad felt it more than we did. After all, he’d lost another brother. So we grieved and paid our respects, in our own way. We haven’t heard from the rest of the family, and hopefully it will stay that way.

When my blog was last live, I wrote about the need to insert damage limitation measures into my life. As everyone who lives with a mental illness knows, we are permanently sitting on a narrow ledge; and the slightest thing could potentially throw us from it. To prevent this from happening, I’ve been aiming to bungee myself to the cliff behind me. I do this, by building positive things into my life. It’s hard to plan your suicide, when there’s so much to wake up for. It goes without saying, that my children are the main reason I wake up and face another day. But lest we forget, that depression is a pathological liar. When things get particularly bad, depression tells me that my children would be better off without me. It tells me that I’m a terrible mother, and I’m making my children miserable. Then I look at all the negative things around me, and agree that depression’s case is stronger than mine.

By building positive things into  our lives, I’m strengthening my case against depression. My garden was a mess, my children couldn’t play in it and depression enjoyed rubbing it in my face. Now my garden is on track to be a beautiful haven, filled with the soundtrack of my childrens’ laughter and sizzling steak on the barbecue. Depression has had to strike that from her list. My husband and I are redecorating the kitchen, dining room and lounge. By the end of this week, depression will have to strike that from her list too. I resumed my exercise regime yesterday and each endorphin my brain is releasing, is another middle finger in depression’s face. I’m hoping to book a family holiday for next year and I haven’t yet found a holiday company, who will accommodate depression in their baggage allowance. She’ll have to stay at home and tend to my weeds, instead.

I’m signing off for now – I have to prepare another bungee, to add to my collection. Thank you for reading this, and for being so patient with me. I promise I won’t leave my next post as long as I left this one.

 

Photo by Neslihan Gunaydin, courtesy of Unsplash