People say the strangest things, at the best of times. But the subject of mental illness and suicide seems to really up the ante in the Strange Things To Say stakes. Here’s a list of some of the weird questions and statements I’ve had said to me, past and present and the responses I’ve either given, or have had to stop myself from giving.
“Why did you try to kill yourself?”
A number of reasons. The main ones being:
- there was nothing on TV
- it was on my list of things to do before I’m 40.
“I want the old you back.”
Why?! The old me was ill. Why the hell would you want her back?! The old me was literally inches from death. Why don’t you want a new me? A healthier me? A me who has more chance of still being alive, this time next year?
“It was a cry for help.”
No it fucking wasn’t! A cry for help is when you actually ask for help, or you have a complete breakdown in the cereal aisle at Tesco. I wanted to die! There! Happy now?!
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Because you’d stop me, that’s why! Either that, or you’d think I was attention seeking.
“I’m finding it hard to have a relationship with you now.”
Well fuck off then! Simple.
“Think about your children.”
Oh I’d never thought of that! It’s not like in my darkest hours, I didn’t think they’d be better off without a nutcase for a mother or anything. I just wanted to cause as much misery as I could. Selfish, selfish me.
“You have so much to live for.”
Oh shit, you’re right. I’m living the dream! I always wanted to be a depressed spectre of a human being when I grew up.
“I didn’t get any sympathy when I attempted suicide.”
That’s really shit. People are such callous twats sometimes…
“You could’ve ended up severely disabled.”
Well, I didn’t intend on surviving. Also, if I was capable of rational thought at the time, I wouldn’t have tried to kill myself would I?
“Stop being sorry.”
“What about me?”
In case you hadn’t noticed, I specialise in botched suicide attempts. Murder-suicide isn’t something I’m planning on trying.
“So does this mean you’re mental?”
Yep. Absolutely barking mad. Woof.
“You don’t look like the type.”
*crosses eyes and sticks tongue out to one side* better?
“You wasted the paramedics’ and hospital staff’s time. They could’ve been treating seriously ill people, instead of you.”
Didn’t you once go to A&E with toothache?
“Were you serious?”
No it was all a hilarious prank. I’m such a joker.
“I’m always here if you need to talk, any time.”
Me: “Are you free for coffee/lunch/drinks on the (insert date here)?”
Them: “I can’t, I’m really busy.”
“I don’t ever want to see you in a hospital bed again”
Right. I’ll make sure I never have an accident, cancer, a heart condition, a stroke, my appendix or tonsils removed, cosmetic surgery, a brain haemorrhage etc.
As the old saying goes: there’s nowt so queer as folk.
Photo by Meghan Duthu, courtesy of Unsplash