“Good Morning, and welcome to Depression fm, home of convincing Caroline Cassidy that she should end her own life.
Here’s this week’s top 10 singles :
Down 3 places this week, to number 10: You’re A Failure
A new entry, straight in at number 9: Everything You Do, Turns To Shit
Still in the charts, after 12 years: You’re A Bad Mother is number 8
Down 6 places, one of DJ Silent D’s favourites: Nobody Likes You, at number 7
Another all-time classic: You’re A Horrible Person is this week’s number 6
The tearjerker of the week, it’s: Remember This Awful Moment From Your Past? At number 5
Tipped to be this year’s Mothers’ Day number 1, for the 8th year running: Your Children Are Better Off Without You, at number 4
An oldie, but a goodie at number 3: Nobody would Care If You Died
At number 2, it’s last week’s number 1: I Hope You Don’t Wake Up In The Morning
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for; I can reveal this week’s number 1, as voted for by DJ Silent D is………..
Just End It.”
Catchy tunes eh? They’re certainly what you would call “ear worms”. I’ve tried to tune back into Recovery fm, but I can’t seem to find the right frequency. If you have any ideas as to where it’s moved to, please let me know in the comments section.
Hang on a minute, this isn’t the A-Z of Mental Health Challenge
I’ve interrupted your broadcast, to bring you this news bulletin. As you can probably see, things aren’t so great, over at Silent D And Me Headquarters at the moment. I’ve been shafted royally at work, and everything I’ve tried so hard to build up has come crashing down around my ears. The best bit is: there is absolutely f**k all I can do about it. Super-F**king-Douper.
Being rogered up the tradesman’s entrance by my employer, has set the wheels in motion for an episode of depression. I don’t know how the work thing is going to play out, so I’ll save the whole humiliating story for another blog post.
Radio Blah Blah
Living with depression is like having a crackly radio inside your head. Every now and then, a clear transmission comes through and whatever is being played takes over your being. Sometimes the station you’re picking up is a good one, with plenty of silky, summery beats. But most of the time you pick up Depression fm. This radio station plays mainly droning voices repeating the same sentences, over a melody named “Toddler Playing The Saucepans.” I find that the veins in my temples like to throb along to this particular station.
It only takes one knock of the dial, and Depression fm comes booming out. The presenters inform you of the day’s schedule:
“Having a stressful time at work? Our resident Agony Aunt, May Younotwakeup is on hand to advise you on the best methods of killing yourself. “
“Couldn’t be a***d cleaning the house today? We’ll be chatting to our resident Domestic Goddess, Gloria Stepford about lazy b******s like you; and how you should be taken outside and shot.”
You get the picture.
Hijacking The Airwaves
This week, I plan to set up my very own pirate radio station. I’m still working on a name, seeing as there’s already been a station called Radio Caroline. Today’s schedule will consist of:
“Sick and tired of Depression fm? We examine ways to silence the airwaves.”
“Can’t be a***d cleaning the house? Don’t panic. Our expert procrastinator, Ina Minute is on hand to share her hints and tips on how to make the house look clean, using the minimum of effort.”
“Really don’t want to go to work later? Have a look at your bank balance online. That’ll give you motivation to leave the house.”
“Need something to drown out the negative internal chatter on your way to work? We’ll be playing a motivational video by Tony Robbins, to get you in a kick-ass mood”
“Been shafted by your employer? Our resident careers adviser, Itsjusta Job tells you how to mentally punch your workplace backstabber in the face, while suppressing the urge to laugh like a maniac”
“Need something to get you through to 9pm, without jumping out of the window or telling your boss what they can do with your job? We’ll be playing a montage of photos of your children, to remind you of what really matters”
“Having trouble sleeping, due to the b*****s at work? Stop wasting your energy, I can bet that not one of those f*****s have lost an ounce of sleep over you.”
Stay tuned. I’ll be giving you regular news reports from my pirate station.